[ Lucien wonders how to answer that. He feels guilty for mentioning that he'd had two in the first place, unsure why potentially arriving with two had seemed so important to Dextera. He's the first person to react to the reveal in such a way. ]
I'm sorry, Dextera. Is it because you feel like there's somebody else inside of you sometimes?
[ That's the only way Lucien could describe his own circumstances. Aware and yet like someone is pulling the wool over his eyes to keep him from fully understanding. ]
Maybe that's the only way. Or by asking Lady Yima...
[ He sounds like a broken record to bring her up again and again, but perhaps Yima is the only fixed point of comfort Lucien can find in Highstorm. He trusts her after she'd given him Yoko's shard. ]
[ dextera doesn’t grow irritated with lucien, at least, for suggesting lady yima. he’s used to the endless repetition of the people infected by their baroques, and by comparison, a child with nothing else to lean on is refreshingly innocent. ]
I feel like… [ he’s never told anyone else this, not so explicitly. ] I feel lonely. Does it feel better, having two?
[ It will be two more years before Lucien's completely sure of his own memories and his former identity. While they resurface from time to time, the child still doubts their authenticity and wonders why they come to him. He'll often find himself in weird, meditative-like states, saying some things simply because he's instinctively compelled to do so.
As such, his answer to Dextera now will be less informed. Lucien thinks carefully about the other shard— some of him still unable to recognize or acknowledge the person he shares his body with. ]
I feel empty if I take it out of me.
[ Is probably the best way to explain it. ]
But I don't really know who or what's inside it... maybe nobody? Maybe my shard is just broken in two or something, but I feel strange when it's not there.
[ Amazingly, he keeps speaking to Dextera as if they are long-time friends. ]
If I try holding it, it makes me feel sick and scared. I have this feeling like something really dangerous might be inside it, so it's better to keep it inside me instead where it belongs and the scary parts don't feel as strong.
[ He pauses. ]
It might be nice if the other shard was warm and friendly. Definitely not lonely.
[ lucien’s cadence does have a nice, calming effect, despite the distressing situation he describes. he can’t imagine what the other shard might be when lucien explains it as making him sick and scared, that this other shard is dangerous, but dextera is sure his brother would be different.
without knowing dark, dextera can’t offer any helpful explanation to lucien. he merely worries. ]
…I’m sorry.
[ he has the grace to apologize for making assumptions. ]
It’s hard to carry two after all. You’re a whole person.
[ it isn’t just the voice that’s different. lucien’s entire presence has suddenly changed—or, no, even that doesn’t feel quite right. it’s someone else entirely, just close enough to butt in at a moment’s notice. ]
I'm not the one calling the shots, that's just how it is.
[ He senses some attachment to Lucien from Dextera that kind of reminds him of how it'd felt when he'd first met Yoko. That itchy feeling of being not the favorite of the two personalities. ]
He's fine, he isn't hurt. He's still me.
[ Defensively bundles themselves together now in attempt to make Dextera to like him... ]
dextera can feel that little flare of defensiveness, and it’s endearing if he imagines lucien, but the voice he’s hearing from dark is so utterly different that he can’t actually make the image match for long. ]
He’s you?
[ it’s not entirely impossible to understand, but he’s baiting more details. ]
My consciousness reincarnated into the same human soul as him, so yeah. We're the same person.
[ For now and because it's confusing to even himself, Dark doesn't drop the deets on the kid's secret self-awareness. Lucien has addressed Dark directly a couple of times in their headspace before now but otherwise ignores him. He must not like him very much... ]
That's why we wound up with two shards but one body. You were really interested in that, weren't you?
[ dextera doesn’t like dark having that knowledge. it feels as if someone has eavesdropped on a private conversation, even if what he says is true and couldn’t be helped. ]
I guess you weren't planning to tell either one of us. Of course we'd be interested when you react to it the way you did. Does this mean we've got to start keeping secrets too?
[ dextera doesn’t feel that it’s a matter of sensitivity… but maybe he is being emotional about this. he thinks he deserves to. ]
I would have told Lucien.
[ he realizes, of course, that this means the other personality would have known is this conversation is any indication, but now he’s just being petty. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2023-05-26 11:42 am (UTC)I'm sorry, Dextera. Is it because you feel like there's somebody else inside of you sometimes?
[ That's the only way Lucien could describe his own circumstances. Aware and yet like someone is pulling the wool over his eyes to keep him from fully understanding. ]
Maybe that's the only way. Or by asking Lady Yima...
[ He sounds like a broken record to bring her up again and again, but perhaps Yima is the only fixed point of comfort Lucien can find in Highstorm. He trusts her after she'd given him Yoko's shard. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-05-29 01:05 pm (UTC)I feel like… [ he’s never told anyone else this, not so explicitly. ] I feel lonely. Does it feel better, having two?
no subject
Date: 2023-05-29 01:46 pm (UTC)As such, his answer to Dextera now will be less informed. Lucien thinks carefully about the other shard— some of him still unable to recognize or acknowledge the person he shares his body with. ]
I feel empty if I take it out of me.
[ Is probably the best way to explain it. ]
But I don't really know who or what's inside it... maybe nobody? Maybe my shard is just broken in two or something, but I feel strange when it's not there.
[ Amazingly, he keeps speaking to Dextera as if they are long-time friends. ]
If I try holding it, it makes me feel sick and scared. I have this feeling like something really dangerous might be inside it, so it's better to keep it inside me instead where it belongs and the scary parts don't feel as strong.
[ He pauses. ]
It might be nice if the other shard was warm and friendly. Definitely not lonely.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-30 04:29 pm (UTC)without knowing dark, dextera can’t offer any helpful explanation to lucien. he merely worries. ]
…I’m sorry.
[ he has the grace to apologize for making assumptions. ]
It’s hard to carry two after all. You’re a whole person.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-31 10:43 am (UTC)That's okay. You don't need to be sorry.
[ Lucien contemplates their conversation up until now. ]
Are you hoping for someone else's shard to keep you company?
no subject
Date: 2023-06-06 06:55 am (UTC)…yes. I think it would be nicer than just living with someone.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 01:21 pm (UTC)[ Dark Schneider jumpscare. ]
(1/2 )
Date: 2023-06-07 01:42 pm (UTC)( 2/2 )
Date: 2023-06-07 01:43 pm (UTC)[ it isn’t just the voice that’s different. lucien’s entire presence has suddenly changed—or, no, even that doesn’t feel quite right. it’s someone else entirely, just close enough to butt in at a moment’s notice. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 01:46 pm (UTC)[ Dark loves to shock people, even if it's long distance and through communion only! He can only imagine the face Dextera must be making. ]
Don't worry, I'm a way more interesting character. I'm the protagonist! Lucien's just my plot device.
[ He presumes so, anyway... ]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 02:57 pm (UTC)That’s no way to talk about the person you’re sharing a body with.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-07 03:02 pm (UTC)[ He senses some attachment to Lucien from Dextera that kind of reminds him of how it'd felt when he'd first met Yoko. That itchy feeling of being not the favorite of the two personalities. ]
He's fine, he isn't hurt. He's still me.
[ Defensively bundles themselves together now in attempt to make Dextera to like him... ]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-13 02:38 pm (UTC)dextera can feel that little flare of defensiveness, and it’s endearing if he imagines lucien, but the voice he’s hearing from dark is so utterly different that he can’t actually make the image match for long. ]
He’s you?
[ it’s not entirely impossible to understand, but he’s baiting more details. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-06-13 03:44 pm (UTC)[ For now and because it's confusing to even himself, Dark doesn't drop the deets on the kid's secret self-awareness. Lucien has addressed Dark directly a couple of times in their headspace before now but otherwise ignores him. He must not like him very much... ]
That's why we wound up with two shards but one body. You were really interested in that, weren't you?
no subject
Date: 2023-06-14 03:38 pm (UTC)…it’s not your business.
no subject
Date: 2023-06-16 04:15 pm (UTC)[ UNHAPPY THAT DEXTERA BECAME NOT AS NICE. ]
I guess you weren't planning to tell either one of us. Of course we'd be interested when you react to it the way you did. Does this mean we've got to start keeping secrets too?
no subject
Date: 2023-06-18 11:09 am (UTC)I would have told Lucien.
[ he realizes, of course, that this means the other personality would have known is this conversation is any indication, but now he’s just being petty. ]