[ dextera is profoundly curious about why, but it feels wrong to just outright askālike heās demanding something lucien canāt give. he may break in the future, but for now, he holds his tongue. ]
I like my color. I was just thinkingā¦ it would be nice to have a second shard.
[ he decides to be honest, even if not fully straightforward about why. ]
[ Lucien wonders how to answer that. He feels guilty for mentioning that he'd had two in the first place, unsure why potentially arriving with two had seemed so important to Dextera. He's the first person to react to the reveal in such a way. ]
I'm sorry, Dextera. Is it because you feel like there's somebody else inside of you sometimes?
[ That's the only way Lucien could describe his own circumstances. Aware and yet like someone is pulling the wool over his eyes to keep him from fully understanding. ]
Maybe that's the only way. Or by asking Lady Yima...
[ He sounds like a broken record to bring her up again and again, but perhaps Yima is the only fixed point of comfort Lucien can find in Highstorm. He trusts her after she'd given him Yoko's shard. ]
[ dextera doesnāt grow irritated with lucien, at least, for suggesting lady yima. heās used to the endless repetition of the people infected by their baroques, and by comparison, a child with nothing else to lean on is refreshingly innocent. ]
I feel likeā¦ [ heās never told anyone else this, not so explicitly. ] I feel lonely. Does it feel better, having two?
[ It will be two more years before Lucien's completely sure of his own memories and his former identity. While they resurface from time to time, the child still doubts their authenticity and wonders why they come to him. He'll often find himself in weird, meditative-like states, saying some things simply because he's instinctively compelled to do so.
As such, his answer to Dextera now will be less informed. Lucien thinks carefully about the other shardā some of him still unable to recognize or acknowledge the person he shares his body with. ]
I feel empty if I take it out of me.
[ Is probably the best way to explain it. ]
But I don't really know who or what's inside it... maybe nobody? Maybe my shard is just broken in two or something, but I feel strange when it's not there.
[ Amazingly, he keeps speaking to Dextera as if they are long-time friends. ]
If I try holding it, it makes me feel sick and scared. I have this feeling like something really dangerous might be inside it, so it's better to keep it inside me instead where it belongs and the scary parts don't feel as strong.
[ He pauses. ]
It might be nice if the other shard was warm and friendly. Definitely not lonely.
[ lucienās cadence does have a nice, calming effect, despite the distressing situation he describes. he canāt imagine what the other shard might be when lucien explains it as making him sick and scared, that this other shard is dangerous, but dextera is sure his brother would be different.
without knowing dark, dextera canāt offer any helpful explanation to lucien. he merely worries. ]
ā¦Iām sorry.
[ he has the grace to apologize for making assumptions. ]
Itās hard to carry two after all. Youāre a whole person.
[ it isnāt just the voice thatās different. lucienās entire presence has suddenly changedāor, no, even that doesnāt feel quite right. itās someone else entirely, just close enough to butt in at a momentās notice. ]
I'm not the one calling the shots, that's just how it is.
[ He senses some attachment to Lucien from Dextera that kind of reminds him of how it'd felt when he'd first met Yoko. That itchy feeling of being not the favorite of the two personalities. ]
He's fine, he isn't hurt. He's still me.
[ Defensively bundles themselves together now in attempt to make Dextera to like him... ]
dextera can feel that little flare of defensiveness, and itās endearing if he imagines lucien, but the voice heās hearing from dark is so utterly different that he canāt actually make the image match for long. ]
Heās you?
[ itās not entirely impossible to understand, but heās baiting more details. ]
My consciousness reincarnated into the same human soul as him, so yeah. We're the same person.
[ For now and because it's confusing to even himself, Dark doesn't drop the deets on the kid's secret self-awareness. Lucien has addressed Dark directly a couple of times in their headspace before now but otherwise ignores him. He must not like him very much... ]
That's why we wound up with two shards but one body. You were really interested in that, weren't you?
[ dextera doesnāt like dark having that knowledge. it feels as if someone has eavesdropped on a private conversation, even if what he says is true and couldnāt be helped. ]
I guess you weren't planning to tell either one of us. Of course we'd be interested when you react to it the way you did. Does this mean we've got to start keeping secrets too?
[ dextera doesnāt feel that itās a matter of sensitivityā¦ but maybe he is being emotional about this. he thinks he deserves to. ]
I would have told Lucien.
[ he realizes, of course, that this means the other personality would have known is this conversation is any indication, but now heās just being petty. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I like my color. I was just thinkingā¦ it would be nice to have a second shard.
[ he decides to be honest, even if not fully straightforward about why. ]
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I'm sorry, Dextera. Is it because you feel like there's somebody else inside of you sometimes?
[ That's the only way Lucien could describe his own circumstances. Aware and yet like someone is pulling the wool over his eyes to keep him from fully understanding. ]
Maybe that's the only way. Or by asking Lady Yima...
[ He sounds like a broken record to bring her up again and again, but perhaps Yima is the only fixed point of comfort Lucien can find in Highstorm. He trusts her after she'd given him Yoko's shard. ]
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I feel likeā¦ [ heās never told anyone else this, not so explicitly. ] I feel lonely. Does it feel better, having two?
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As such, his answer to Dextera now will be less informed. Lucien thinks carefully about the other shardā some of him still unable to recognize or acknowledge the person he shares his body with. ]
I feel empty if I take it out of me.
[ Is probably the best way to explain it. ]
But I don't really know who or what's inside it... maybe nobody? Maybe my shard is just broken in two or something, but I feel strange when it's not there.
[ Amazingly, he keeps speaking to Dextera as if they are long-time friends. ]
If I try holding it, it makes me feel sick and scared. I have this feeling like something really dangerous might be inside it, so it's better to keep it inside me instead where it belongs and the scary parts don't feel as strong.
[ He pauses. ]
It might be nice if the other shard was warm and friendly. Definitely not lonely.
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without knowing dark, dextera canāt offer any helpful explanation to lucien. he merely worries. ]
ā¦Iām sorry.
[ he has the grace to apologize for making assumptions. ]
Itās hard to carry two after all. Youāre a whole person.
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That's okay. You don't need to be sorry.
[ Lucien contemplates their conversation up until now. ]
Are you hoping for someone else's shard to keep you company?
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ā¦yes. I think it would be nicer than just living with someone.
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[ Dark Schneider jumpscare. ]
(1/2 )
( 2/2 )
[ it isnāt just the voice thatās different. lucienās entire presence has suddenly changedāor, no, even that doesnāt feel quite right. itās someone else entirely, just close enough to butt in at a momentās notice. ]
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[ Dark loves to shock people, even if it's long distance and through communion only! He can only imagine the face Dextera must be making. ]
Don't worry, I'm a way more interesting character. I'm the protagonist! Lucien's just my plot device.
[ He presumes so, anyway... ]
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Thatās no way to talk about the person youāre sharing a body with.
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[ He senses some attachment to Lucien from Dextera that kind of reminds him of how it'd felt when he'd first met Yoko. That itchy feeling of being not the favorite of the two personalities. ]
He's fine, he isn't hurt. He's still me.
[ Defensively bundles themselves together now in attempt to make Dextera to like him... ]
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dextera can feel that little flare of defensiveness, and itās endearing if he imagines lucien, but the voice heās hearing from dark is so utterly different that he canāt actually make the image match for long. ]
Heās you?
[ itās not entirely impossible to understand, but heās baiting more details. ]
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[ For now and because it's confusing to even himself, Dark doesn't drop the deets on the kid's secret self-awareness. Lucien has addressed Dark directly a couple of times in their headspace before now but otherwise ignores him. He must not like him very much... ]
That's why we wound up with two shards but one body. You were really interested in that, weren't you?
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ā¦itās not your business.
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[ UNHAPPY THAT DEXTERA BECAME NOT AS NICE. ]
I guess you weren't planning to tell either one of us. Of course we'd be interested when you react to it the way you did. Does this mean we've got to start keeping secrets too?
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I would have told Lucien.
[ he realizes, of course, that this means the other personality would have known is this conversation is any indication, but now heās just being petty. ]